Friday, March 25, 2011
Are you OK, mom? Where are you? People have been writing short notes to me on FB all day. Sure it's not the most personal, but distributing my pain and getting little reassurances does help a little. Everywhere I look are signs of you-- presents, cards, notes, pictures, kid art ... Can't believe you will never speak back to me again. I know you'd like my hair with a cut-- not really, but yes really I remember how you always had to make our beds if we didn't, especially as adults. As kids we were trained too! Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due Together we are strong (Eccl 4-9) Joy Luck Club-- mom had best quality heart We've lost-- but considering all she shared over the years, we certainly keep so much of her, much more than we are even aware of--and that will sustain us, help us thrive So now your are with God. That I believe. You told me your biggest wish, after you died, would be that somehow you could speak to us here, inform us that you had landed, safe and sound. Even in your demise, you were looking for one more sermon. But you knew there is a maddening yet majestiv reason you cannot speak to us today, because if you could, we might not need faith. And faith is what yo uwere all about. I have to believe that you have melted back into His glory, your soul is like a returned favor, you are a star in his sky and a warm feeling in our hearts. We believe that you are with your forefathers, with your daughter, with your past, and at peace. THus says the Lord . . . I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you. Isaiah 38.5
More notes
See -- I knew I'd write more ---
I just remember something mom said in a recent conversation: I think I lived at the right time-- couldn't imagine growing up now/ or something very close to this.
Eery, kind of.
I just remember something mom said in a recent conversation: I think I lived at the right time-- couldn't imagine growing up now/ or something very close to this.
Eery, kind of.
Notes for a eulogy
OK-- yes, mom was a saint. I could think of some faults-- could be judgmental. None of liked to hear she didn't approve of what we were doing-- how did she know we were doing it? how did she know it was the wrong path or action?
Really my mom had her act together. She was organized and neat. She knew where things were. She kept a very orderly home-- schedules, meal plans, etc.
She was artistic and creative.
She was a helpful proofreader.
She could even do home repairs.
She got us through school
Being a nurse she could take care of us when we were sick. Always made us feel better.
She was a good ear.
She made sure we had adventures-- let us get out in the world
She helped us do our best
She loved tradition and family--see all the pictures in our house!
I try, but I'm Maureen-- I look a little like Rita, I have a little Rita in me-- but I'm no Rita. AT my house, there are dishes in the sink, dusty cobwebs, pictures that don't hang straight, kids with messy hair-- and art project that definitely need someone else's assistance. I also don't have her look that got us kids to get in line and act right. I'm more of a pushover.
but I got to me a mommy too-- I work hard in my home and out of it too -- job and kids, no nanny, just like her, and I try my best to keep the traditions I learned from her-- and maybe even improve on some of them or at least add my own touch
Really my mom had her act together. She was organized and neat. She knew where things were. She kept a very orderly home-- schedules, meal plans, etc.
She was artistic and creative.
She was a helpful proofreader.
She could even do home repairs.
She got us through school
Being a nurse she could take care of us when we were sick. Always made us feel better.
She was a good ear.
She made sure we had adventures-- let us get out in the world
She helped us do our best
She loved tradition and family--see all the pictures in our house!
I try, but I'm Maureen-- I look a little like Rita, I have a little Rita in me-- but I'm no Rita. AT my house, there are dishes in the sink, dusty cobwebs, pictures that don't hang straight, kids with messy hair-- and art project that definitely need someone else's assistance. I also don't have her look that got us kids to get in line and act right. I'm more of a pushover.
but I got to me a mommy too-- I work hard in my home and out of it too -- job and kids, no nanny, just like her, and I try my best to keep the traditions I learned from her-- and maybe even improve on some of them or at least add my own touch
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The worst news of my life
Tonight (3/24/11) while laying my babies down to sleep I got the worst news of my life. I guess. I'm also sure the full impact has not hit me yet, so I don't even know if I've never felt worse. It ranks up there for sure. My mom--mommy-- died. My worst nightmare and yet with each passing year I knew this grief had to catch up to me at some point. Hardly anyone escapes, except maybe those who die very young. And now I know when and where it happened to me. My parent's neighbor Liz Janeszewski told me, and Michael soon got on the phone with some more details of the circumstances. I think it must have been quick and unexpected-- good for her, probably not so good for us. It was probably a heart attack, like I expected, but that was some day in the future, not today. She had just beat cancer and had at least a few really good things to look forward to, after all.
Now I'm writing because I can't sleep. I knew I couldn't from the moment the news arrived. I have a heavy tightness in my abdomen. My palms and soles are kind of sweaty. I am sad. I know in days ahead I'll be even sadder. My mom was a guide, a sounding board, a very close friend, after all. And she was the grandmother of my babies. I'm sure she wanted to hold them closer and see them grow a little more. She also really wanted to be with all of us to enjoy my sister's wedding coming up in 2 months. That would have been a beautiful gathering with her there.
So here I am with her in spirit, a new relationship . . . but not able to hug her physically or talk to her physically for a very long time. I'll really miss her.
But more than sadness I also feel some of the burden she carried in her last years-- what will happen now to dad who has Alz and Megan who wants to care for him but needs help with him and herself? What are we supposed to do? Oh, yeah, and how much will it cost? Can we afford it? There are so many unknowns. We have to get through the funeral (gulp) first, I tell myself and my 3 siblings. That will be difficult enough, but it's only a few days; the next part of the journey seems really tough. I'm exhausted contemplating it, and yet, ironically, I can't get to sleep tonight. This is my vigil.
Iknow I'm not the only one in this state-- just last week thousands of loved ones died in the natural disasters that devastated Japan and on 3/23 Elizabeth Taylor died of congestive heart failure. I won't miss her nearly as much as my mom, though. Maybe my mom has met her now in heaven!
Funny thing --- I noticed on all the news reports yesterday that Liz Taylor was born in 1932. Seeing that made me think of my parents, born in 1931 and 1935. I definitely paused and thought-- their time to move to the next life is close. Little did I know how close. Today 2 other incidents stand out-- in hindsight. Premonitions? Coincidences? But I'll remember them now. In my first class this morning a student gave a presentation on a short story they read about a man waiting in a train station. This train station turns out to be Purgatory. He has died, but because of the life he led, he must wait in this 'waiting' room/ sala de espera. The second thing that happened was in my second class. Right before class I had some time, so I decided to search a website for a preterite/ imperfect practice exercise. I was looking for something that might be better than what was in our text. I found one with a video and a listening component. In the video a hotel clerk was recounting the panic she felt when a man approached her check in counter and collapsed. He had a heart condition, but it turned out he came to and was fine. The incident scared this woman, though. Little did I know I would hear a slightly similar tale recounted by my brother, but my mom was not OK, and the panic has not subsided here.
All I can think of right now is to pray-- to God, for my mom and to my mom-- please send angels to guide us in our journey so that our family can thrive and prosper, even without our rock and our glue. For Megan I wish this. For Michael, Melanie, and my babies and myself also. For dad, well, I don't know what to wish. Is it bad if I wish he could join her soon? I don't know anything really. Maybe he still has a lot to give and a purpose here despite his cognitive condition and some physical complications. So, I wish him peace and comfort. I pray that we can give him these things-- and still keep them for ourselves too, at least for the most part. How much should we sacrifice? I don't want him to suffer a lot, but I'm afraid to suffer myself too. Could anyone be as devoted, loving, and practical as his Rita?
It's a mess. The lung cancer scare last September-October did prepare us a little better. I think the will and trusts are in better shape. Nothing could prepare us for this enough, though, really.
Today, my last day with my mom on Earth
6:45 Wake up and drink tea
7:15 Wake and dress kids
7:40 Feed kids and pack lunches
8:05 Leave for Montessori
8:20 Return home; talk to Ricky in Dallas
8:30 Enjoy breakfast with Anya
9:00 Move laundry downstairs for Lucy
9:20 Finish getting ready for school
9:40 Get to school with Anya
9:45 Listen to students present while trying to entertain and even occasionally nurse Anya
10:30 Leave for Montessori/ Day of the Child volunteer clean up duty
11:00 Volunteer while Anya sleeps in the office; see Alexander and Natalya at school
11:30 Enjoy salad lunch at Creswell Park while Anya keeps sleeping
12:00 Return to Centenary to prepare next class
12:50 Teach class to Erika and Natasa
1:50 Go home to check on Lucy, check email, make calls-- can we pick out tile tomorrow?
3:00 Pick up my kids
3:30 Snack time, wait for Lucy to leave
5:00 Emails, deciding can't cook-- meat not thawed; talk to Pam about childbirth ed
5:30** Probably time my mom had just left this Earth
7:00 Go to dinner
9:00 Home for bath, bedtime with kids
9:45 a little late, but we're in bed-- and then, the phone call!
I last talked to my mom on her birthday 3/21. We talked about silly, mundane things, as usual, but they meant something to us: clothes for the wedding, Melanie's move to Africa, Megan getting time off for a beach vacation, Susanne coming for the wedding, Ricky's garden, Alexander protecting Natalya-- the story from the park.
I last saw my mother right before the New Year-- when we were leaving G'ville from the Bally Hoo restaurant on 12/29.
These are things I may not forget, but just in case, they're now written down.
What can I say about my mother-- she was a living Saint!
I'll write more later. Good Night.
Now I'm writing because I can't sleep. I knew I couldn't from the moment the news arrived. I have a heavy tightness in my abdomen. My palms and soles are kind of sweaty. I am sad. I know in days ahead I'll be even sadder. My mom was a guide, a sounding board, a very close friend, after all. And she was the grandmother of my babies. I'm sure she wanted to hold them closer and see them grow a little more. She also really wanted to be with all of us to enjoy my sister's wedding coming up in 2 months. That would have been a beautiful gathering with her there.
So here I am with her in spirit, a new relationship . . . but not able to hug her physically or talk to her physically for a very long time. I'll really miss her.
But more than sadness I also feel some of the burden she carried in her last years-- what will happen now to dad who has Alz and Megan who wants to care for him but needs help with him and herself? What are we supposed to do? Oh, yeah, and how much will it cost? Can we afford it? There are so many unknowns. We have to get through the funeral (gulp) first, I tell myself and my 3 siblings. That will be difficult enough, but it's only a few days; the next part of the journey seems really tough. I'm exhausted contemplating it, and yet, ironically, I can't get to sleep tonight. This is my vigil.
Iknow I'm not the only one in this state-- just last week thousands of loved ones died in the natural disasters that devastated Japan and on 3/23 Elizabeth Taylor died of congestive heart failure. I won't miss her nearly as much as my mom, though. Maybe my mom has met her now in heaven!
Funny thing --- I noticed on all the news reports yesterday that Liz Taylor was born in 1932. Seeing that made me think of my parents, born in 1931 and 1935. I definitely paused and thought-- their time to move to the next life is close. Little did I know how close. Today 2 other incidents stand out-- in hindsight. Premonitions? Coincidences? But I'll remember them now. In my first class this morning a student gave a presentation on a short story they read about a man waiting in a train station. This train station turns out to be Purgatory. He has died, but because of the life he led, he must wait in this 'waiting' room/ sala de espera. The second thing that happened was in my second class. Right before class I had some time, so I decided to search a website for a preterite/ imperfect practice exercise. I was looking for something that might be better than what was in our text. I found one with a video and a listening component. In the video a hotel clerk was recounting the panic she felt when a man approached her check in counter and collapsed. He had a heart condition, but it turned out he came to and was fine. The incident scared this woman, though. Little did I know I would hear a slightly similar tale recounted by my brother, but my mom was not OK, and the panic has not subsided here.
All I can think of right now is to pray-- to God, for my mom and to my mom-- please send angels to guide us in our journey so that our family can thrive and prosper, even without our rock and our glue. For Megan I wish this. For Michael, Melanie, and my babies and myself also. For dad, well, I don't know what to wish. Is it bad if I wish he could join her soon? I don't know anything really. Maybe he still has a lot to give and a purpose here despite his cognitive condition and some physical complications. So, I wish him peace and comfort. I pray that we can give him these things-- and still keep them for ourselves too, at least for the most part. How much should we sacrifice? I don't want him to suffer a lot, but I'm afraid to suffer myself too. Could anyone be as devoted, loving, and practical as his Rita?
It's a mess. The lung cancer scare last September-October did prepare us a little better. I think the will and trusts are in better shape. Nothing could prepare us for this enough, though, really.
Today, my last day with my mom on Earth
6:45 Wake up and drink tea
7:15 Wake and dress kids
7:40 Feed kids and pack lunches
8:05 Leave for Montessori
8:20 Return home; talk to Ricky in Dallas
8:30 Enjoy breakfast with Anya
9:00 Move laundry downstairs for Lucy
9:20 Finish getting ready for school
9:40 Get to school with Anya
9:45 Listen to students present while trying to entertain and even occasionally nurse Anya
10:30 Leave for Montessori/ Day of the Child volunteer clean up duty
11:00 Volunteer while Anya sleeps in the office; see Alexander and Natalya at school
11:30 Enjoy salad lunch at Creswell Park while Anya keeps sleeping
12:00 Return to Centenary to prepare next class
12:50 Teach class to Erika and Natasa
1:50 Go home to check on Lucy, check email, make calls-- can we pick out tile tomorrow?
3:00 Pick up my kids
3:30 Snack time, wait for Lucy to leave
5:00 Emails, deciding can't cook-- meat not thawed; talk to Pam about childbirth ed
5:30** Probably time my mom had just left this Earth
7:00 Go to dinner
9:00 Home for bath, bedtime with kids
9:45 a little late, but we're in bed-- and then, the phone call!
I last talked to my mom on her birthday 3/21. We talked about silly, mundane things, as usual, but they meant something to us: clothes for the wedding, Melanie's move to Africa, Megan getting time off for a beach vacation, Susanne coming for the wedding, Ricky's garden, Alexander protecting Natalya-- the story from the park.
I last saw my mother right before the New Year-- when we were leaving G'ville from the Bally Hoo restaurant on 12/29.
These are things I may not forget, but just in case, they're now written down.
What can I say about my mother-- she was a living Saint!
I'll write more later. Good Night.
Monday, March 14, 2011
March 14, 2011
Baby Anya is developing so rapidly. In the last several days (since about Mar. 9) not only is she sitting strong and pretty all on her own but she has also begun to babble for real. She loves repeating dadadaa and gagagaa. Very exciting for this now 8 monther.
Forgot to mention something about Milena in my last post. Just wanted to always remember the infamous "wall of boogers." Gross indeed!
Just got back from a great family vacation in San Antonio. Would love to return someday. Highlights included a wacky mirror maze and dinner at the Magic Time Machine. Our waiters were Alice in Wonderland, Woody from Toy Story, Tinkerbell, and Peter Pan. It was so funny because my kids can't quite discern real v. imaginary yet. Alexander asked Alice "Who are you?" and she quickly replied, WHO ARE YOU? He was was very engaged, and before the end of the night he was also "the (under the) table monster! We loved the river boat ride also. Kids waited for 2 days to finally ride. They loved it, but Ana, of course, breastfed and was lulled to sleep half way through.
Dad survived the trip-- but had to come down hard on the kids a couple times. Once he was driving and things started to get loco. Fortunately, Ricky got his road rage under control rather quickly. Poor Milena has to put up with a lot of FOCUS!!! She distracts way to easily for Ricky's taste. Hope she's not permanently scarred. Natalya and Alexander sometimes imitate their dad when talking to her now. It'll get on her nerves for sure!
Forgot to mention something about Milena in my last post. Just wanted to always remember the infamous "wall of boogers." Gross indeed!
Just got back from a great family vacation in San Antonio. Would love to return someday. Highlights included a wacky mirror maze and dinner at the Magic Time Machine. Our waiters were Alice in Wonderland, Woody from Toy Story, Tinkerbell, and Peter Pan. It was so funny because my kids can't quite discern real v. imaginary yet. Alexander asked Alice "Who are you?" and she quickly replied, WHO ARE YOU? He was was very engaged, and before the end of the night he was also "the (under the) table monster! We loved the river boat ride also. Kids waited for 2 days to finally ride. They loved it, but Ana, of course, breastfed and was lulled to sleep half way through.
Dad survived the trip-- but had to come down hard on the kids a couple times. Once he was driving and things started to get loco. Fortunately, Ricky got his road rage under control rather quickly. Poor Milena has to put up with a lot of FOCUS!!! She distracts way to easily for Ricky's taste. Hope she's not permanently scarred. Natalya and Alexander sometimes imitate their dad when talking to her now. It'll get on her nerves for sure!
Friday, March 4, 2011
March 4, 2011
Ana is now almost 8 months old. Can't believe it! She was 27" and 15 lbs 9oz at her ped appt. last week. Her head was 17 1/4" I think. At 6 months she measured 25" and weighed 14 lbs 12 oz. Now for the even more important stuff: Ana loves eating. We don't feed baby food, we just give her small pieces of what we can from our plates at dinner. She sits so contentedly. Ana is a joy, but she does know how to cry when she wants to be carried and one of us puts her down. She loves being carried and cuddled. She started sitting a little by early February but really sat unsupported on Feb. 15 for the first time. It took a little while, but this past week (Mar 1st or so) I can say she really has it down. She arches her back well but doesn't roll over; in our house this is probably good-- much safer.
Milena is the best reader in her first grade class. Not the most organized. She's a spelling princess too! (like mama)
Alexander is a true little boy now, with spikey hair to boot. He enjoys his friends Peter and Max and now frequently comes home with pictures he wants to explain-- too bad it takes him so long to explain. He likes to repeat to make sure I really got it.
Natalya is now just over 3. Please potty train, girl. It's time! She still likes mama's milk too, but I'm fine with that. She was cute yesterday. Alexander was at home sick and not at school or in the van when she got in as I picked her up from school. She looked and asked, "Where's my other one Ale(x)ander?" Her friend at school is Alexander Horne, but at home she looks for Big Bro' Alexander, my other one!
Here's a spelling anecdote:
Alexander, you are D U M B. Milena's insult was lost on him, though. He can't spell yet. He just replied, Milena, you are M P O.
Milena is the best reader in her first grade class. Not the most organized. She's a spelling princess too! (like mama)
Alexander is a true little boy now, with spikey hair to boot. He enjoys his friends Peter and Max and now frequently comes home with pictures he wants to explain-- too bad it takes him so long to explain. He likes to repeat to make sure I really got it.
Natalya is now just over 3. Please potty train, girl. It's time! She still likes mama's milk too, but I'm fine with that. She was cute yesterday. Alexander was at home sick and not at school or in the van when she got in as I picked her up from school. She looked and asked, "Where's my other one Ale(x)ander?" Her friend at school is Alexander Horne, but at home she looks for Big Bro' Alexander, my other one!
Here's a spelling anecdote:
Alexander, you are D U M B. Milena's insult was lost on him, though. He can't spell yet. He just replied, Milena, you are M P O.
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