The worst news of my life

Tonight (3/24/11) while laying my babies down to sleep I got the worst news of my life. I guess. I'm also sure the full impact has not hit me yet, so I don't even know if I've never felt worse. It ranks up there for sure. My mom--mommy-- died. My worst nightmare and yet with each passing year I knew this grief had to catch up to me at some point. Hardly anyone escapes, except maybe those who die very young. And now I know when and where it happened to me. My parent's neighbor Liz Janeszewski told me, and Michael soon got on the phone with some more details of the circumstances. I think it must have been quick and unexpected-- good for her, probably not so good for us. It was probably a heart attack, like I expected, but that was some day in the future, not today. She had just beat cancer and had at least a few really good things to look forward to, after all.

Now I'm writing because I can't sleep. I knew I couldn't from the moment the news arrived. I have a heavy tightness in my abdomen. My palms and soles are kind of sweaty. I am sad. I know in days ahead I'll be even sadder. My mom was a guide, a sounding board, a very close friend, after all. And she was the grandmother of my babies. I'm sure she wanted to hold them closer and see them grow a little more. She also really wanted to be with all of us to enjoy my sister's wedding coming up in 2 months. That would have been a beautiful gathering with her there.

So here I am with her in spirit, a new relationship . . . but not able to hug her physically or talk to her physically for a very long time. I'll really miss her.

But more than sadness I also feel some of the burden she carried in her last years-- what will happen now to dad who has Alz and Megan who wants to care for him but needs help with him and herself? What are we supposed to do? Oh, yeah, and how much will it cost? Can we afford it? There are so many unknowns. We have to get through the funeral (gulp) first, I tell myself and my 3 siblings. That will be difficult enough, but it's only a few days; the next part of the journey seems really tough. I'm exhausted contemplating it, and yet, ironically, I can't get to sleep tonight. This is my vigil.

Iknow I'm not the only one in this state-- just last week thousands of loved ones died in the natural disasters that devastated Japan and on 3/23 Elizabeth Taylor died of congestive heart failure. I won't miss her nearly as much as my mom, though. Maybe my mom has met her now in heaven!

Funny thing --- I noticed on all the news reports yesterday that Liz Taylor was born in 1932. Seeing that made me think of my parents, born in 1931 and 1935. I definitely paused and thought-- their time to move to the next life is close. Little did I know how close. Today 2 other incidents stand out-- in hindsight. Premonitions? Coincidences? But I'll remember them now. In my first class this morning a student gave a presentation on a short story they read about a man waiting in a train station. This train station turns out to be Purgatory. He has died, but because of the life he led, he must wait in this 'waiting' room/ sala de espera. The second thing that happened was in my second class. Right before class I had some time, so I decided to search a website for a preterite/ imperfect practice exercise. I was looking for something that might be better than what was in our text. I found one with a video and a listening component. In the video a hotel clerk was recounting the panic she felt when a man approached her check in counter and collapsed. He had a heart condition, but it turned out he came to and was fine. The incident scared this woman, though. Little did I know I would hear a slightly similar tale recounted by my brother, but my mom was not OK, and the panic has not subsided here.

All I can think of right now is to pray-- to God, for my mom and to my mom-- please send angels to guide us in our journey so that our family can thrive and prosper, even without our rock and our glue. For Megan I wish this. For Michael, Melanie, and my babies and myself also. For dad, well, I don't know what to wish. Is it bad if I wish he could join her soon? I don't know anything really. Maybe he still has a lot to give and a purpose here despite his cognitive condition and some physical complications. So, I wish him peace and comfort. I pray that we can give him these things-- and still keep them for ourselves too, at least for the most part. How much should we sacrifice? I don't want him to suffer a lot, but I'm afraid to suffer myself too. Could anyone be as devoted, loving, and practical as his Rita?

It's a mess. The lung cancer scare last September-October did prepare us a little better. I think the will and trusts are in better shape. Nothing could prepare us for this enough, though, really.

Today, my last day with my mom on Earth

6:45 Wake up and drink tea
7:15 Wake and dress kids
7:40 Feed kids and pack lunches
8:05 Leave for Montessori
8:20 Return home; talk to Ricky in Dallas
8:30 Enjoy breakfast with Anya
9:00 Move laundry downstairs for Lucy
9:20 Finish getting ready for school
9:40 Get to school with Anya
9:45 Listen to students present while trying to entertain and even occasionally nurse Anya
10:30 Leave for Montessori/ Day of the Child volunteer clean up duty
11:00 Volunteer while Anya sleeps in the office; see Alexander and Natalya at school
11:30 Enjoy salad lunch at Creswell Park while Anya keeps sleeping
12:00 Return to Centenary to prepare next class
12:50 Teach class to Erika and Natasa
1:50 Go home to check on Lucy, check email, make calls-- can we pick out tile tomorrow?
3:00 Pick up my kids
3:30 Snack time, wait for Lucy to leave
5:00 Emails, deciding can't cook-- meat not thawed; talk to Pam about childbirth ed
5:30** Probably time my mom had just left this Earth
7:00 Go to dinner
9:00 Home for bath, bedtime with kids
9:45 a little late, but we're in bed-- and then, the phone call!


I last talked to my mom on her birthday 3/21. We talked about silly, mundane things, as usual, but they meant something to us: clothes for the wedding, Melanie's move to Africa, Megan getting time off for a beach vacation, Susanne coming for the wedding, Ricky's garden, Alexander protecting Natalya-- the story from the park.

I last saw my mother right before the New Year-- when we were leaving G'ville from the Bally Hoo restaurant on 12/29.

These are things I may not forget, but just in case, they're now written down.

What can I say about my mother-- she was a living Saint!

I'll write more later. Good Night.